Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for In The News...
POLICE REPORT A HOMELESS MAN WAS CAUGHT TRYING TO STEAL A LIVE FERRET BY STUFFING IT INSIDE OF HIS PANTS
Oh lordy, where to start.
His pants? Is there no end to what we will attempt to steal by smuggling them in our own trousers? We do have pockets for a reason. Admittedly, that reason is not the theft of live rodents, but it is a reason nontheless.
Could he not steal something more useful, like the money in the register? No, that man needed a ferret. But why? Perhaps he just needed a friend? I understand that sleepin' on them benches is mighty lonely, but why not just steal a puppy? At least a puppy would look cute, and not like a slinky crossed with a meerkat.
Does this newspaper have nothing better to report than homeless men theiving small, furry animals via a pair of jeans? Apparently not.
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