Monday, May 24, 2010

It's kinda like that.

Hey grammar nazis! Sorry now that everyone knows "irregardless" isn't a word and you have nothing to correct people about? How about "simultaneously both"? Simultaneously automatically assumes at least two operands, see, so the "both" is redundant. Isn't using knowledge to be a dick such great fun?



Scene 1: A bunch of retarded teenage girls turn into mermaids because of magic or something.

Scene 2: They use their beautiful music to lure the cute boy into the water where they drown him.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Adventure time with Finn and Jake == completely awesome

Okay, first post in a little while. I'd thought I'd stray away from my usual straying away, and give a shout out to what is most likely the most awesome cartoon I have ever seen: Adventure time with Finn and Jake.

The basic premise is following the escapades of 12-year-old boy Finn (A kid with a white bear hat and a penchant for kicking ass) and Jake (A 28-year-old* dog with magic stretching powers). If that doesn't already sound cool, they've also got Princess bubblegum, a royal science genius and strange recombinance of bubblegum and human DNA (age unknown**), and Marcelline, a neutral-chaotic vampire rocker chick (she is, in appearance, sixteen or seventeen, but is actually thousands of years old, as per vampire mythos).

Finn and Jake themselves live in a gigantic treehouse, on a mysterious island called Ooo. There are strange lands abound in Ooo, each seemingly with their own royalty. Princess bubblegum is the ruler of the candy kingdom, which is inhabited solely by anthropomorphic pieces of candy and various other desserts.

Besides that, even the dialogue baffles me - the characters flip between harmless "insults" like "Ding Dong" to mild language like "crap" and "suck". I know cartoon network has a rep of being surprisingly lax in their filtering, but it still caught me off guard when Princess bubblegum yelled "You promised you wouldn't fricken' tell anyone!". Not that I mind, quite the contrary, but it still amazes me. I've been told in the vampire episode Marceline actually smacks Finn on the ass^.

Mainly what I like about Adventure time besides the wonderful humor*** and delightful battiness is the way it tells a story. Mainly what I hate nowadays about cartoons is that the writer's basically have seven or eight different plotlines to choose from, which are used and reused in every single episode of every single show. But adventure time doesn't go that route: I was shocked and ecstatic about the fact that I didn't know what was going to happen at the end of the episode. In a land where cartoon characters have been living the same tired old adventures for the past twenty years, this is BIG STUFF. For instance, in the Zombie episode, Finn and Bubblegum create a "decorpsenator serum" which bubblegum makes to resurrect the dead candy people but ends up zombifying them, and bubblegum makes Finn "royal promise" not to tell the civilians. Later on, everyone is safe, the zombies are dead once more, and I grip the remote, ready to change the channel after the rather unsurprising ending, but it doesn't stop there. Finn ends up breaking the promise, thinking it didn't matter since the zombies are gone, but it turns out that breaking a royal promise results in stopping time and getting incinerated by the Gumball Guardians which guard such things (I won't tell you what happened after that, since I've basically ruined most of it). This unexpected and much awesomer ending made the cartoon ten times better than I thought it was. The creator doesn't so much tell a story as he does ramble on about something in particular, forget half of it and then pull the rest from off the top of his head. GENIUS.

I've always had a thing for surrealist kid's cartoons, such as The marvelous misadventures of flapjack, a intensely creepy but awesome show. Adventure time goes to that and beyond - I think by the information presented here you can guess it is probably the weirdest cartoon ever aired on cartoon network, while still being completely mind-blowing.

*Dog years, of course, making him about four.
**This is a murky subject. She looks about fourteen, but when talking about a particular senior citizen of the Candy Kingdom she giggles and says "We used to date". Is it me, or does Princess Bubblegum hint at being a lot older than she looks?
***That's right. I laugh at kid's cartoons. Get over yourself.
^This is a bit creepy considering she's several thousand years older than him. Then again, Marceline's character is mainly defined as not really giving a crap about much of anything anymore, hence her daredevil stunts and just generally doing whatever she wants.

Friday, January 29, 2010

You gotta learn to dungeon crawl before you dungeon walk

What is it with females and color? Perhaps this is some sort of primal flock mentality?

Yes, ladies, when we guys see a color-riffic girl on the street we think MM THAT IS SOME SEXY SEXY EPILEPSY.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

death takes a long weekend

I'm done with internet forums. I've said that before, I know, but this time for reals! I've got better things to do than argue with stupid OMIGOD THAT GUY MADE A MINOR GRAMMATICAL ERROR MUST CORRECT HIM AUUUGGH!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm like, totally blogging and junk

It seems to me that "Universal Remote" is one of those nonsense terms, like "Guesstimate", and "Glam Goth". Sure, it can control your DVD, VCR, and TV all in one convenient place, but can it control the actual universe?

*Clicks a button which opens up a portal thens drives a motorcycle through it*

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for In The News...


Oh lordy, where to start.
His pants? Is there no end to what we will attempt to steal by smuggling them in our own trousers? We do have pockets for a reason. Admittedly, that reason is not the theft of live rodents, but it is a reason nontheless.
Could he not steal something more useful, like the money in the register? No, that man needed a ferret. But why? Perhaps he just needed a friend? I understand that sleepin' on them benches is mighty lonely, but why not just steal a puppy? At least a puppy would look cute, and not like a slinky crossed with a meerkat.
Does this newspaper have nothing better to report than homeless men theiving small, furry animals via a pair of jeans? Apparently not.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I will gladly pay you tuesday, for a hamburger today.

Man, google is taking over the world. In fact, they even are in cooperation with *coughcoughtookover* Blogger, the service that made this. Which I guess technically means they can moniter my posts. Wait, who's that banging on the door? Hello? Can I help you? Wait, what are those baseball bats for? Hey, HEY! OW! NOOOOOOOO! SAVE ME FROM THIS SEARCH ENGINE CONGLOMERATE!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I believe that all useless gadgets should be measured on a scale of 1 to 10 on how much they make you feel like James Bond. Ergo, a wrist watch that has a video com would rank 10,000,000.

Sign me up, M.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ninjas existed? Awesome!

It's very strange when something when you enjoyed as a kid is now seen for what it really is like. In this case, spaghettio's. Now, the vomit smell just makes me want to snort a gallon of Fabuloso. What happened spaghettio's? You used to be cool man, you used to be cool.

Moral of the story: campbells cannot be trusted